Who the Hell Are You Again? Keeping Secrets in a Marriage

It sat heavy on my conscience like a bag of marbles. A tiny insignificant secret I kept from the Hubby for over six months.

Fingers clenched tightly in palms and a stomach twisted with anxiety, I looked into his eyes and released the truth.

By mandyxclear, using the Creative Common license

Small or large, secrets hurt. Years of living together, comfortably confident in knowing your partner completely, suddenly you’re dealt an emotional smack to the face that threatens to injure or even end a marriage.

So why do we keep secrets from our loved ones?

A relapse in judgment, concern over disappointing your partner, fear of rejection.

As writer Paulo Coelho once said, what makes people weak is their need for validation and recognition. I agree. I live in a state of hyper-vigilance, avoiding failure at all cost, all because I'm terrified that I won’t be loved if I’m not perfect.

Years of self-refection I’ve come to understand where this belief system may have come from. Growing up in a win-at-all-cost household where only straight A's where acceptable, I believed I was only worthy of my parent’s love through my accomplishments, successes and by living up to their expectations. So rather than risk disappointing them, I learned to hide things.

I’ve come to understand that failure is a normal and inevitable part of life (and that my parents do love me unconditionally and only wanted the very best for me). And rather than dwell in the past, in a state of self-pity and self-loathing, it’s best to learn from my mistakes and move on. And to celebrate other things apart from success like being considerate, accountable, and above all honest.

By telling the truth, I validate my worth from within. But more importantly, by being true to my Hubby, I experience true love: experiencing the most powerful thing in the world without having to do anything for it.

Loving Life and Not the Game

Our toddler recently complained about a bully—a child that has been consistently teasing and hitting her.

Concerned parents, our initial responses were:

-Why? Were you doing something to provoke the child?
-Just ignore him and he’ll leave you alone.
(and the Hubby’s personal favorite)
-Hit’em back, that’ll teach him to mess with you!

Thoughtful advice to stop a child from hurting. In the short-term, that is.

The truth is, bullies are everywhere—in schools, in the workplace, in your relationships.

We know who they are. They pick on the new kid...complain incessantly...point the finger at everyone else but themselves...take delight in demeaning others. They may even physically hurt you.

And you’ve probably tried your hardest to stop their bullying by appeasing them, ignoring them, fighting back.
And have failed.

My best advice? Don’t play their game.

So the next time he bullied her, she said:
I won’t play with you if you can't place nice. Then got up and left.

Walk. Discover real friends and true love. Appreciate them for giving you genuine advice, for respecting your ideas, for making you happy. Because playing games will only make you miserable. And you deserve better.

A Mother, Shoulders Deep

During a morning beach run, I noticed a woman knee deep in the sand building a spectacular sandcastle for her children.

They are everywhere, these amazing mothers.

In the water, thrashing through treacherous waves. On the sand, playfully being buried head to toe. In the playground, dutifully pushing swings.

And I am not one of them.

I am sitting on a beach chair, eyeing my daughter as she eagerly runs towards the shore. Reading a book, while she buries my feet in the sand. On the boardwalk, watching her climb up the slide.

I am not that amazing mother, knee deep in the sand with shovel in hand. I gaze from a distance, in complete amazement, with total gratitude, and shoulders deep at peace with who I am.

Wordless Wednesday: Familia Beach Vacay

Back from our summer vacay and I miss being seaside with mi familia. No doubt we gave the lil' one some proper childhood memories that included--hunting for seashells, building sand castles, taking daily trips to the ice cream parlor, going on boardwalk rides, and my favorite...eating Cotton Candy. We're looking forward to next summer and our next family vacay. Just because it was so much fun.